Friday, January 8, 2010

back on track

So i'm back.   This is just a short post to affirm my "backness" though I never really quit. I've been on, reading the blogs from my favorite posters.  I just didn't really have anything to contribute.  4 weeks ago today I went to a meeting and weighed in at 353lbs.   Then the holidays came, and I was for sure that no matter what my good intentions where I had blown my weight loss.  Due to lack of money I skipped out on 4 meetings, and refused to step on a scale.  Then about a week and a half ago I braved my fears and got back on.   I was at 352. haha.  It was awesome to know that despite my own mental issue's and the fact that I had THOUGHT I was a huge failure, I had in fact come out okay through this season.  So I called my WW buddy, and we both decided it was time to get back on track.   Still lacking money though I almost didn't go to my meeting today.  Thanks to the support of my boyfriend,(loaning me some cash till payday)  I was able to go and get myself settled and back in the mix of things.   At my weigh in today i was delighted to find that i was at 351.    These small changes and losses amaze me, because I honestly havn't been doing much in the way of TRYING to lose weight.  So the fact that I'm still able to keep a small loss makes me more than determined to get back out there.

On a side note, I think its time to make a dr's visit.   I've lived with a cyst on my ovary for years,  and due to all the metabolism changes and the exersize ups and downs I've put my self through, I feel like there is something going on inside me that needs to be checked up on.  I've been checking for any weird lumps of flesh or anything that might be more than what i already expected and havn't found anything. But I'm going to have to face my intense fear of DR's and go get this taken care of.  Also  I want to know where I stand now, so as I get healthier I can see the postitive changes losing weight and being active take on me.

I took this picture a week ago, to remind myself not to let stress run my life lol.   oh and the chargers are going to the super bowl! =D!

Happy New years!

Thursday, December 10, 2009

first 11 weeks

So the first 11 weeks of my weight watchers experience has come to an end.  I say the first 11 weeks, because I plan to keep on with this journey.  as of my weigh in last Friday I was at an even 353.   I have to say I'm not as excited with my progress as I had hoped I would be.  But over all its still a loss that I have kept off.

12 weeks ago I weighed 367 lbs.   so i've lost and kept off 14 lbs. I still have a long long way to go. 

This week I'm taking off from the meeting. Only because I need to regroup. I know this program works for me, I just seem to be having off days lately.  And its kind of bringing me down.  I am missing out on a key ingredient as well. Exercise.  I used to excercise almost everyday. Not so much in the past 5 months.  But I rejoined a gym last payday. And its opening day is tomorrow.  I plan to kick that into high gear.  Get a plan of action developed for the fat burning i want to do.

My sister brought home a book from work called 101 things you need to do before you diet.  I kind of laughed, as I flippantly perused the introduction, only to be knocked on my butt with an emotion I'm not even sure I can define.   Though the title has the word diet in it, it is NOT a diet book.  Its a profound revelation of why dieting doesn't work and can inevitably lead to weight gain itself.   Obesity has become a disease where in the cure is the cause.   To lose weight we all have done just about everything. we can to shed pounds and look at our selves with a semblance of self worth.  In the end we usually fail and end up hating ourselves. thereby insuring that not only do we gain weight but the one tool we need to FIGHT obesity is ground in obscurity.   What is that one too?  Its our own self esteem, and feeling of self worth.  CONFIDENCE.
with out confidence and love for ourselves we will never be able to successfully destroy bad habits and change our lives.   Diets dont work.... anything you have to do to lose weight you will have to continue on doing for the rest of your life.  So you need to find that thing that makes you successful.  

Thats why i enjoy weight watchers so much.   I've never felt like I lack anything.  Instead of feeling guilt or remorse for food, I own up to it.  I enjoy. And I have established a relationship with how I consume food in my daily life.  I healthy WORKING relationship.

So i say NO to the DIEt and yes to the LIVE-IT.  =)

I'll be starting a work out activity log as soon as the gym opens up.

Here's to getting back on track and staying focused

Saturday, November 28, 2009

survival of the holidays.

So how did everyone do over the holidays?    It was fun to have family over.  During the week I stuck to my plan. I was a few points over everyday, but always OP.   Come turkey day I had a dirty nasty love affair with deviled eggs and a few hand fulls of black olives.  (we were a kinky threesome lol)  But luckily I ended up doing quite well with myself.   I had weigh in on friday (the day after..OMG)  Now we where given a free-bee so we didn't have to weigh in if we didn't feel up to. And my buddy and I were not going to.  But she got there before me and changed her mind.   She was 4lbs up.   Well I figured I couldn't let her go it alone. So I cringed, gulped, and sucked it up.  Stepped up on the scale..............  I have never ever been happier in my life.  yes i DID gain.  But I only gained  .8 of a lb.

We have redoubled our efforts this week.  Behaving and gaining control over the weeks to come.   I Did some quiet reflection and realized I have been slacking.   I need make some better food choices.  I have had 10 weeks of weight watchers now.  And while I've been on a pretty much downward slope weight wise. But its been a very very SLOW downward slope.   With my recent gain/loss jumps  that 16 lbs deficit went to like 12lbs.   I had hoped to be losing more than that this first 11 weeks on the program.  But I also know that what I have or havn't lost is my own fault.  

So its time to take accountability of myself
1.  Promised to start up some kind of activity... .so far I have failed.  Its time to start.  I found a new gym opening up by my house. Its called planet fitness and its only  10 bucks a month plus free on track training (basically they help you build an exercise routine/program and then help you update it as your needs change)  I will be joining that on thursday when I get paid

2. I spent the money to join Weight watchers for a reason.   I think I've been slowly gaining the concept that this program WILL work.  I just need to sit down and figure out how to get the right amount of foods in my body.  I've been working well with the points, but not so well with getting all the servings of fruits/veggies and keeping my milk /proteins lower and leaner.   So This week Its time to tweak the process!

Today I read a quote, by an unknown author.  it said.  "you don't drown by falling in the water, You drown by staying there"   I know that my whole life I've been falling down in that water.   I dont want to drown.  I want to pick myself up and get the hell out of my own way.

Everyday we struggle, everyday we keep moving on.   If you happen to fall down along the way DO NOT stay there.  Pick yourself back up and keep moving!

p.s If any of you have any quotes you'd like to share that keep you going, please share them.. I always love a little added inspiration.

Friday, November 13, 2009

Disapointment VS the non-scale Victory

Last week I talked a big game about tracking everything I ate, following my WW to the exact all to see how well I could do at the end of the week.   Let me tell you  how I did.. I BLEW IT.   Not only did I not track, or follow the plan, but I ended up eating out 4 out of 7 days this week.  So I was not shocked by that fact that on my weigh in I gained weight.  What I was shocked by was how MUCH weight I gained.  4lbs exactly.  

It was my own fault due to the fact that while I've been a little lazy on the exact program, I have still managed to lose a pound or two each week.  That in itself made me complacent, and think in the back of my head I'd be okay this week.  Boy was I wrong.  I was so angry with myself during my meeting that I almost missed something our meeting leader said.   She said the words "non-scale victory"  At first I couldn't think about any reason this week would be considered a victory.  Then she started talking about behavorial changes and how they affect us in the long run.  I realized that I had made a very important non scale victory this week. 

On Tuesday evening, my boyfriend and I went out to dinner at a nice steak house. Something we dont do often, but I had won an award at work and that was the prize.  Normally I would always order the "biggest" item I could find on the menu.  I wanted steak, so no 8oz fillet Mignon would do.  No I had to have the biggest steak around, with the most side dishes available.  value for money they always say.  But on Tuesday I did something different.   I ordered the Fillet Mignon, because for the first time I wanted to taste and enjoy a better meal then stuff myself to the brim.   My boyfriend and I also did something we do not normally do.  We shared an appetizer (as opposed to getting one each) we split a large starter salad, and in the end we enjoyed sharing a single desert.   For the first time I can remember, I ENJOYED the food.   The best part about this story is I didn't realize what I had done, until we had already eaten dinner and I was thinking to myself "why have I never tried the Fillet Mignon before"... and that's when it hit me.

So even though I had a bad week scale wise, I will accept that my behavior is changing and view that as victory.  I will take my weight gain as an expected thing, and focus my disappointment into tracking food like I should, fitting in activity and looking forward to a better weigh in next week!

Monday, November 9, 2009

I just dont have "time"!

I gotta work out. I keep saying it all the time. I keep saying I gotta start working out. It's been about two months since I've worked out. And I just don't have the time. Which odd. Because I have the time to go out to dinner. And uh..and watch tv. And get a bone density test. And uh.. try to figure out what my phone number spells in words.
Ellen DeGeneres
I Love this quote, its been something that has been bouncing around my brain.  I feel constantly constricted for time.  I haven't blogged in awhile, because i don't have time, I haven't exercised because I just don't have time.   Tracking my points..takes too much time.   All the excuses to fudge on things I need to do for myself.  All because I'm lacking this ever elusive "time" thing.  I was watching ellens stand up comedy show, and I heard her do this joke.  I laughed of course, but I laughed more because it struck me. I am the same way.  I read an entire book the other day (I read really fast so 500+pgs in a day is an easy thing)  Then I turned around and said I didn't have time to go to the gym.  Or go for a walk.   This week I was supposed to be tracking everything I have eaten down to the last crumb.   So far I've written down my food, but haven't figured out the points value of the food.  which makes it useless.   I think the problem I'm having is the past few weeks I have lost weight (slowly, omg so slowly) when I go to weigh in, and I haven't exercised or even really tracked what I'm eating.   I'm still losing, so my subconcious or my lazy self is saying I'm doing okay with out it.   My analytical brain is telling me that I could be doing SO MUCH MORE.  I'm tired of losing 1lb a week.  I want to up that to 2 to 3 lbs at least.  I'm large enough that it shouldn't be a huge obstacle .
On a more positive note, i HAVE lost weight. And more appropriately I have kept it off for a period of 7 weeks.   To me that's amazing, I don't think I have ever kept a downward slide in my weight loss for more than a period of a month at best. I"m 5.6lbs from my 5% goal.  I do feel Better in a lot of ways. But I know I need to commit to and find time for some activity in my life. Before I joined weight watchers I was going to the gym all the time.   It helped me tone up and size down a bit, but I never dropped a pound of weight.  I did this for about 5 months.   I was SO extremely frustrated. I started to let my gym time slip.  A trainer told me that I needed to get my nutrition in order, because weight loss was 85 percent nutrition and 15 percent activity.   So I used my gym money to join weight watchers.  i don't regret it at all, but I think I have to rejoin the gym.  I need a place to go that I can just lose myself in my headphone and get my sweat on.  I don't like working out at my boyfriends house, his idea of activity is walking from the couch to the bathroom.  My favorite time to work out is when I get off work at 4am, but its not safe to go walking in my city at that time.  So without a gym membership I'm stuck at home with my tapes.  And they get pretty boring. 
I keep forgetting that losing weight is about "myself" and if you forget to make time for yourself, you will end up failing.  And failure is just not an option in my world anymore.  I refuse to accept failure as the final result.  
current weigh in analysis.
pre WW weight   367lbs
week 1 weigh in   360.4 lbs  ( -7 )
week 2 weigh in   356.8 lbs  ( -4.4 )
week 3 weigh in   357.8 lbs  ( + 1 )
week 4 weigh in   356.8 lbs  (- 1 )
week 5 weigh in   353.6 lbs  (-3.2)
week 6 weigh in   352.6 lbs  ( -1)
week 7 weigh in   351.2 lbs  (- 1.4)
total weight loss 16.2 lbs in a period of 8 weeks.   so yay me!
these weeks goal.. MAKE TIME!

Friday, October 23, 2009

Been a few days

To catch up on the past two meetings, last week I had lost a lb.  putting me back to where I was before the previous week.  ( a total of 356.6).  I decided that drinking TOO much diet soda was making me hold on to a bunch of water.   This week I kept it to drinking unsweetened teas, water, Gatorade and a few soda's here and there.  (usually not diet)  I figure if I'm going to treat myself to a coke, then I'm going to drink regular soda. Using it as a treat actually lets me enjoy it without feeling guilty.  I pretty much followed my point system really well on friday through sunday.  Monday rolled around and I had family come into town, due to a very very sick relative being in the hospital.  As well as my best friend and her family (hubby and kids)  So it was a jam packed week for me.  Monday I have to say I didn't do so well food wise. It was monday night football, with my friends in was gonna be a food free for all.   Knowing this, I ate very sparingly during the earlier part of the day, hoping to save up some points (along with my bonus) for the evening.   By the end of the night I made the mistake of not tracking my food, and ended up drinking just enough for me not to remember alot of what I ate.  So I felt a little mad at myself about that.   I picked back up and kept going through the rest of the week.   I even ate out a time or too, but had decidedly healthy choices, instead of the regular burger fry situation.  I have found that having an Iphone makes it VERY VERY convenient to track points and take the guess work out of most places.  My sis and I stopped at samarui sams for a terryaki chicken bowl.   While eating it, I googled Samarui sams' nutrtional information, and was able to calculate almost to the exact, how many points it was.   I found this is very helpful in making better choices and pre planning a fast food excursion.  It's also helped me realize alot of things I would think may be healthy, arn't really the best choice out there.   This is also helpful in the sense that even if your just counting calories, you can always go online and google something before you put it in your mouth and get a great estimation if not the exact amount of calories/fat/carbs your putting into your body.

So at the conclusion of this week, I had my 5th official weigh in today.   This week I lost 3.2 lbs.  An amount i'm very proud of.   At the start of this life style change 6 weeks ago, I was at my heaviest weight of 367lbs.  I'm now down to 353.2  My first weight loss goal is 345. So I'm just a handfull of lbs away from making my first mark!  I'm actually excited and looking forward to this week.    My goal for this week is to set, plan and put into action a workout/exercise regime.   So far I've been letting it slack, but I can feel the energy I'm missing since I stopped hitting the gym.

And I have to say I'm extremely excited about the fact that I bought a Halloween costume  "sexy Indian princess"  that was a plus size 16-22.  The reviews online for this costume said it ran small, and that a 22 probably wouldn't fit very comfortably in it.  The last I checked i was a size 24/26.   I went to the costume shop today and tried it on and it fit beautifully!   I'm gonna be rocking the pocahantis look this year!

Any of you guys dressing up this year? I have dressed up in a few years due to always working, as I will be this year as well. Only this year they let us dress up at work, so I plan to take full advantage of the situation.  I would love to hear what kind of costume idea's you've come up with.  I love Halloween and I think its great to see bigger girls and guys slipping off some of their own insecurity to step up and be bold and fun on a holiday!

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Everyday above ground is a good day

Ahah! Just another wonderfully stressful week. I think I feed off stress. I mean I must have to, to gain so much weight and live my fast passed uber stressed life.   Hmm maybe its not feeding OFF of stress, but feeding BECAUSE of stress.  There just might be something there! In all actuality my week only STARTED off stressful.  It eventually rolled into a nice relaxed mode that I am currently enjoying, perhaps a bit too much.

So Last week after I made a post (and I do hope to be posting more freqently in the future)  I got ready for work then hopped in my sickly car (the post had stuff to do with car trouble)  I got maybe a block from my house when I smelled this HORRIBLE burning rubber sound and realized the obnoxious sound from my car had become just down right rude.  I panicked and turn around hoping to make it back home.  Sure enough I'm not 5 feet into my apartment complex when my serpintine belt snaps, my engine dies, and my car just floats in the abyss that all broken cars go to.   With the help of some kindly strangers and my own sister, we manage to push the car into a parking space, while I call off work for the night.   I get some advice to call my dealership ( I figured as a used car buyer, my warranty options where limitted but hey its worth a shot)  Turns out the ac compressor on my car (previously quoted at 1000 duckies to fix) was under warranty if my mileage was under 65k.  which it was!  So I had my car towed, and they fixed  the ac compressor for free! how much is free you ask..why NOTHING! thats right. All I had to do was pay for a new belt and some freon. a cost of 165.  As they got to work though they noticed my breaks (along with 3 tires) where really bad. So I figure okay I saved alot of money on this ac thing, lets get the breaks done.  it was supposed to cost me 200.  So i'm at 365 + tax.  Turns out my rotors are competely destroyed and need to be replaced...tack on 421 bucks.  I told them no, I just couldn't afford it, and to just put on the break pads and i'll see what I can do in a few weeks.    Low and behold, my service tech calls me back and says "i can't let you drive out on this, it sjust not safe, so i'm going to not charge you for anything else but the rotor change for a total of 421 dollars.. all the other stuff is free"  I was in shock.   I ended up driving out of the dealership with about 1800 dollars in work for 420 bucks.  SOMEBODY was looking out for me.

My sister got her unemployment claim as well, proving that she was in fact wrongfully fired from that shitty ass place she used to work for.  I'm glad she won the claim just to prove the point that she WAS targetted and wrongfully termed.  But the extra money until her first paycheck rolls in will help alot.

Now onto the food/health issue.  I did go to my meeting, and as I suspected I gained 1lb.  I'm not to upset by this only because I kinda knew it was gonna happen, and all in all, I kept my weight stable with only a slight increase.  I've doubled my efforts to do better this week.  Last week I tried to find a love for Diet Pepsi with lime.   I think I liked it too much, I ended up drinking more of that, then water.  I think that helped contribute to my weight gain. The sodium just made me feel thirsty and bloated all week long.  I went back to my crystal light drinks.  I have eaten out a bit more this week than I wanted to, but I did count for it, as well as going for 45 minute walks every other day.  The only sad thing about this week is that I had to cancel my weight watchers online account for a few weeks, due to money issues.  I LOVE that tool, it makes tracking my points and keeping up with my healthy choices so much easier.   I can't wait till I can repurchase it.

On a side note I've decided to try something a little different for me.  I tend to not be an organized person, so I'll get lazy and put things off that I should be doing (like packing right now)  So this week I'm going to make a list of things I need to do everyday.  And stick to it.  I wont over stress myself, but I think I need some organization and motivation.

Honestly the more I think back on the last few weeks, and what they have finally accumulated to.  All I can say is...despite its ups and downs, I really do love my life.  I think we all should remind ourselves every so often, that no matter how stressful life gets, that "everyday above ground, is a good day".